Hi guys ♥
It’s been a few weeks since I’ve uploaded a blog post and that’s because the world swallowed me up in its orbit once again. Life can be so crazy sometimes but I wouldn’t have it any other way. This semster of school is coming to an end so if you’ve ever been in college before you understand my absence in the online world. But school isn’t the only reason I’ve been a bit M.I.A.. I’ve actually been collecting ideas and analyzing how I came to the conclusion that I love myself. Although, it’s put simply.. it’s not all that simple.
I grew up as the fat girl. Everyone knew me as that and it’s how people recognized me. I was the fat girl. The girl who’s friends were always size 4’s without even trying. The girl who would be fat shamed from insecure losers. The girl that could never get a boyfriend. The girl who could barely run the mile within 10 minutes in gym class. The girl who wanted nothing more in the world than to be cool. And the girl who ripped herself apart trying to be beautiful. That was me. I was not alone but I was lonely. My friends told me I was pretty but I didn’t believe them. I always exerted an energy that would portray that I was a happy girl who loved life but that wasn’t true at all. That was the curtain covering up the darkness that lived within me.
I always knew I was the fat girl but it wasn’t until the start of middle school where I realized I hated myself. I dove head first into a new world where the cliques of pretty, skinny girls ruled the school. They were the girls that had the boyrfriends and the good looks and who could fit into ambercrombie and fitch jeans (I envied them for this). I was intimidated by these girls because I was convinced I was nothing compared to them. I was fat, had short hair, screwed up teeth, and no sense of style whatsoever. It came to my surprise that one of these girls noticed me for who I was and decided to befriend me (you know who you are, love you). This girl introduced me to that same group of “pretty” girls that I compared myself to. I remember being so happy that I was accepted into this group and that I was now considered “cool.” Like holy shit.. did that mean I was now a “pretty girl.” The answer to that is no. Because deep down I still hated myself. My acceptance into this clique made me feel like I had a purpose, this “purpose” helped cover up what was really going on in this confusing head of mine. Even though I was now apart of this clique, I still compared myself to them and it drove my hate further. No matter who I was friends with, the fact was that I hated myself. I was still the ugly fat girl or some could say I was the DUFF (designated ugly fat friend). That’s more accurate.
It took years and years of hating my body shape, my mind, my laugh, my butt, my boobs; everything about myself for me to finally realize that exerting that type of energy towards myself is just too exhausting! I couldn’t keep up with that negativity anymore, that was not a life I wanted to live.
I’m going to be honest, I still am the fat girl. But I don’t mean that in a negative connotation. Me saying that is not me insulting myself. Because i’ve grown to love that fat girl. It’s who I am and I’ve learned to own it. It’s empowering being able to say something like that about yourself and not feeling upset or insecure about it. It’s empowering being able to brush off and laugh at the insults I recieve about my weight.
I’ve realized that my weight doesn’t define me, my “fat girl mind set” defines me. But i’ve curated the “fat girl mindset” to define my confidence and empowerment. When you meet someone what is the first thing that typically comes to your head? Usually if you are a loving person it’s “what kind of energy is this person bringing?” But sometimes we have those ugly (my definition of ugly has nothing to do with appearance) people who think, “wow this girl is fat.” When I meet people with these types of negative personalities and I exert my fat girl energy onto them, I already have an advantage over them because my confidence trumps their insecurity. They never thought a girl my size could be confident, so it’s always so empowering to prove them wrong. This type of interaction also helps advocate for self love. It teaches these type of people that it’s okay to love yourself and it shows them that they too, can do it.
How to develop the fat girl mind set:
- SNAP OUT OF IT
Give your body and mind a break. Dont overthink it. Despite what anyone has ever told you in your life, you are beautiful because you are you. And no matter what you believe in, you were created to be the way you are. There is so much beauty in that concept. The most beautiful thing you can do for yourself is own it. Own your body. Own your confidence. Own your look. Own your style. I promise you that the beauty you portray is the love you feel for yourself.
2. Develop the “Fat Girl Mind Set”
If not develop confidence in yourself, develop empowerment. Empower yourself by advocating for the body positivity community. Focus on examples of people who have developed love for themselves and create a motivation to develop your own love. Realize that you get furthest in the world when you do things with love and when you touch all hearts with love. Even if you haven’t created this spirit for yourself just yet, encourage others to. By doing this you will see more and more people finding love for themselves and it will eventually lead you into the same. Confidence will come. I promise.
3. Thank u, next
Implement this confidence in your every day life. Wake up in the morning and stare at yourself. Stare. Notice your curves. Notice your cellulite. Notice your double chin. And move the hell on. Dont stay wharped up in your appearance because you’re wasting your days constantly upset about the way you look. And i’m going to be honest. That’s not going to change. But what can change is what is on the inside. Your perception of yourself can change, but you have to be willing to change it.
4. Dont worry about it.
Honestly, I found myself worried about impressing people and finding someone who would be attracted to a fat girl (me). And I still haven’t found that person. But, that doesn’t change the fact that I am now strong and confident enough to not care, because I don’t need anyone else but me. There are soo many people in this world. Take a second and think about that. So many people with different backgrounds, different hair, different preferences, different souls, and different beliefs. But THAT’s the beauty in this world. Is that every single person has something unique to offer. And that is exactly what I found in myself. That I am unique. I am a fat girl with confidence that radiates and sometimes intimidates people. But that is what makes me beautiful. And the cool thing is, every person in the world has something like this about themselves. This realization helped me cope with the anxiety of thinking I was going to die alone. But, even I do. It will be okay, because when you love yourself, you’re never alone. I see love as a presence. When you’re surrounded with nothing but love, you are safe and you are wanted. And that’s the security we need in our lives.
The key to being the fat girl, is convincing yourself that you are worthy of your entire existence. You are more than worthy for this life. I struggled with this concept for years. But one day, with a flip in perspective and a motivation, I opened a door to a whole new life for myself. I convinced myself of my worthiness and that built my confidence and motivation to empower others to achieve this “enlightment” as I like to say (no i’m not Ghandi and this type of enlightment has nothing to do with Buddhism). It’s just me liking cool words. Hahaha.
But needless to say, you are not your thighs. You are not your stretch marks. You are not your cellulite. You are not your belly. And the definition of you is not your appearance. YOU are the love you give to others, YOU are your intentions in life, YOU are your passions, and YOU are the person you make yourself to be. But this person is YOUR choice. You have all the control in your life to change. You are the only one in your life who can truly create love for yourself. Dont forget that. You can do it.
And that, ladies and gentelmen, is how I loved myself as the Fat Girl. I developed self love and worth. And i’m telling you, you can too. I believe in every single person in this world and everyone has the capability of doing this for themselves.
Be kind to yourself.
Always owning my magic,